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 Post subject: lyme jokes
PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:46 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:54 pm
Posts: 292
Location: Wisconsin
Ok I know Ive posted these before, but since theres some new people here and we all need to have a giggle at our own expense, here they are again:

SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME
(to be filled out by Lyme patients only)
Written by the talented Judy Williams at noah@asheboro.com
Thank you Judy for sharing!

1. Sudden onset of multiple personality disorder

2. Hell-bent to tell the "truth" especially on any given "politically incorrect" subject.

3. Frightening, complete reordering of priorities (These new priorities run close to those
of Mother Therese.)

4. Talking like you are Mother Therese.

5. A sleeping pattern resembling the long rest of hibernating bears or the worse
condition of inability to sleep even upon administration of meds to kill a pair of rhinos.

6. Sudden realization you made a major mistake in the choosing your husband.

7. A diagnosis from at least 3 (I set a minimal record of 2), often more (up to 15) MDs
that reads "psychosomatic disorder".

8. An extreme propensity (albeit usually accurate) to find lyme in others

9. An ability to lose approximately 100 things a day, followed by an inability to find them,
although 80% of them are exactly where they're supposed to be.

10. Verbal dyslexia, i.e. saying the word "cow" when the word called for was "pencil"
(not a close match).

11. Seeing double (i.e. seeing 2 of your husband(s) even though you don't even want to
see one of him).

12. Getting lost in your car though you are only 2 houses away from your home and your
Irish Setter is pointing his tail at your house.

13. Forgetting if you just took 1 Zithromax or 12.

14. Losing most or all of approximately 30 pages of paper with pertinent info., i.e. Lyme
Support members' phone nos., Burrascano's protocol, directions for how to put out a fire
(you recently lost the fire extinguisher itself).

15. Mood swings greater than jungle animals.

16. Times when you should keep your mouth shut because of complete cognitive
dysfunction, but you don't.

17. ESP followed by periods of "clueless".

18. Deciding to commit suicide, during a period of severe mental agitation, by smoking
yourself to death, then being too lethargic to go out and buy any cigarettes.

19. Inability to spell "the" - it just doesn't look right.

20. Rages in which you throw and break all your phones which makes it impossible to
call for help.

21. Confusion caused by having all of 2 things on your "to do" list for the day.

by Judy Williams noah@asheboro.com


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PHYSICAL SYMPTOM CHECKLIST
by Judy Williams - noah@asheboro.com

1. 8 chest symptoms that send you to the ER with fear of heart attack though the ER is a
dangerous place for Lyme patients (and others).

2. A pain that begins in your ankle, jumps quickly to an unparallel knee, gets stuck in
your neck and leaves via your stomach.

3. Tremors that seem to stem from the San Andreas fault (and whose fault is that?).

4. After not being hit by a truck, waking up feeling like you have been

5. Losing weight while consuming illegal amts. of chocolate.

6. Gaining weight after deciding, Ghandi-like, to protest the state of lyme treatment by
refusing food.

7. Unusual sounds that are non-existent, i.e. phones ringing, doorbells, dogs coughing,
cats peeing and such.

8. Hyperacussis, as in hearing a neighbor's dog fart, hearing an ant crawling on an
outside window ledge 3 rooms away, having a strong desire to gag your child because
he is talking in a normal tone of voice.

9. Tired although in 2 days you have slept 48 hours.

10. Testicular pain and you are a female.

11. Unexplained menopause at age 12.

12. Heart palpitations that rival Buddy Rich.

13. Irritable bowel - it yells at you inappropriately.

14. Bladder hesitancy, i.e. you are unable to pee for 4 hours after drinking 5 litres of
fluid.

15. Unexplained milk production and you are a man.

16. Inability to spell libido, i.e. labbeeto.

17. Sinusitis that fills both nasal passages and leaves mucous pockets in your ears,
making you sound like Truman Capote.

18.Neck stiffness that leaves you feeling like you should be onstage with Christopher
Reeve on Oprah (God bless you, Chris!).

19. Cramps that make your foot look like your hand.

20. Facial twitches that make the person you're talking to think you are winking at
someone behind him.

21. Thumb twitching that arrests traffic when a car stops to take you (the hitchhiker)
where you want to go.

22. Arm twitching that causes you to drop your groceries that end up being someone
else's groceries.

by Judy Williams - noah@asheboro.com

Hop eeveryone is having a good day today! :prayer:

~Lisa

_________________
Lyme: The forbidden government fruit...

http://www.myspace.com/aloha6728


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 Post subject: Re: lyme jokes
PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:52 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:54 pm
Posts: 292
Location: Wisconsin
Heres some more:

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LYME WHEN:

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

Everything hurts; but you don't know when or where it will hurt.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

When on your birthday you a receive a birthday card that reads as follows:
"It's your birthday" -
"and I know a little something that I could hook you up with!"
"A Life Support Machine."

You get exhausted just waking up.

Your children can do math better than you.

People call at 7 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions
[for once you don't have brain fog].

You look forward to your IV infusion of abx [or oral abx].

You turn down the lights because of photosensitivity rather than
romance.

You sit in a rocking chair and get motion sickness. But the rocking chair
isn't moving.

You have a compass attached to your necklace.

You get motion sickness when you drive. Forget about trying to be the
passenger!

You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 PM or 1 AM or 6 AM depending on your
internal clock's daily computations. Everyday is different.

You put the margarine in the toaster oven and try to butter your bread.

You put the margarine in the cupboard, the knife in the refrigerator, and
the toast in the sink. Then you walk around in circles trying to find the
toast.

You get exercise by going to the bathroom 10 or more times a day.

One shelf of the refrigerator is filled with abx.

You can't remember how to turn the shower off.

You can't figure out how to get the key out of the ignition [you forgot
about the little black button you push in].

You can't find your way home and you only took a walk around the block.

When your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

When you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you
didn't do anything the night before.

When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

There are three signs of Lyme Disease. The first is your loss of memory, the other
two I forget.

The only part of your body that gets a "workout" are your thumbs - from clicking on that remote all
day.

When your idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

You know you have Lyme when you stop to think and forget to start again

When you wake up screaming and stressed - then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

When you're meandering to a different drummer.

When your day was a total waste of makeup.

When someone says to you: You look like heck. Is that the style now?

When you think to yourself: "This ain't no party...this ain't no disco..."


When all the pharmacists and lab workers in town know you on a first name basis.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three ladies with Lyme were discussing the problems of living with the disease. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't
remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm
glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,"That must be the door, I'll get it!"


Two lymies were out driving in a car. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to seewhat was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?

_________________
Lyme: The forbidden government fruit...

http://www.myspace.com/aloha6728


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 Post subject: Re: lyme jokes
PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:25 pm 
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Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2008 9:42 pm
Posts: 2809
Location: USA
Thanks Lisa for the laugh, I laughed so hard - these are so true! .... :laugh3:

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